I’ve tried writing something here that would faithfully explain what has been going on in my life the past few months, but every time I hit a few paragraphs, I delete it all with disgust and frustration. (Command+A, Delete, repeat.) Partially because I’m unsure how to execute what I want to say in a dashing way, a way that might seem eloquent and graceful, calculated but semi-ambiguous. And partially to avoid repetition, worn meaning, and useless mental masturbation. After numerous failed attempts, I came to the conclusion that we tend to over-think things, taking longer routes for a simple result, waiting for the perfect words, the perfect moment, the perfect shot. The things I admire the most, whether it is people, music, or art or literature and conversations, are the ones that present the most honesty. The ones that act almost on impulse, giving little or no time to hesitation or fabrication.

I read that our gut instincts exist for a very specific reason- they are shortcut calculations computated in our head that automatically weighs in instincts, experiences, and outcomes in a half-second. What interests me even more is that the act of thinking is both a human being’s greatest strength, and greatest weakness. It allows for great advances in almost every area of life, but also limits our potential and actions- many times, irrationally.

I miss feeling inspired, and inquisitive. I miss the constant questioning, the striving towards something great, and feeling the progress roll out right under my feet. My life right now does not allow me to live the way I want to. Work is a daily 12-hour commitment. My friends might wonder why I seem obsessive with building an understanding of social dynamics and creating new connections. The reason being: I don’t work a social job. I don’t go to school, and I’m out 12 hours a day for my job and my commute and my errands, and attempt to sleep 6 hours. 12+6 = 18. 24-18 = 6 hours of leisure time a day, taking that I’m not completely exhausted, which I am most of the time. With that schedule, human interaction screams my name. I’m 21 years old, and I’m living like an ant. Unlike most of the people my age in this expensive city, I fully support myself, with the exception of the times my parents have saved my ass to make rent. But this is absolutely not a complaint, merely an observation. Complaining is silly- either act or forget. The “I’m a victim” mentality absolutely disgusts me, as I believe we are the sum of our choices, so I know I’ve chosen this life. And now I’m choosing to change it.

I will be moving back to the Los Angeles area before the end of June. I will be out of the country traveling from July 1st to the beginning of August. Upon my return, I will go back to school and attempt to live somewhere in the LA area, with the priority being learning, and growing and pushing myself. I suppose it’s time to start finishing what I’ve started… and this is only the first of many things.

San Francisco, you beautiful city. You have been a monumental learning experience. I’ve learned more this last year about myself and about my values than any other year that has come before it. Which is probably due to feeling more uncomfortable and “failing” more than I ever have. I wouldn’t take back a single second. I’ll approach the future with a stronger set of ideals and with a stronger sense of positivity.

PMA

April 3, 2008

I am a rusty machine that never sleeps. I leave the house at 7am and come home at 9pm. Bus, TRAIN, walk, WORK, walk, TRAIN, gym, walk, BUS, home, EAT. Wash, rinse… repeat. Half of me feels this contradicts the reason I moved here, which was to take a break from routine frustration, but the other half of me is satisfied that I am partially filling a career goal. This is not a complaint; I’d like to think that I take full responsibilities for all my actions, I have full control over what I do with my time.

With being this busy, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect to myself, and realized the importance of building a personal code of ethics and rules for you to follow that don’t compromise your genuine self. It’s important to embrace responsibility for your own emptiness and situations, (Money, social inadequacies, health) even edging towards other peoples’ behavior towards you– “What is it that I may have done to make him/her act this way towards me?” But I digress.

The bigger thing I’ve thought about is what really makes an outstanding individual. At the bottom of it all: it’s someone who has value to offer (knowledge, wisdom, personality, etc), and gives it to everyone around him/her, while keeping the integrity. The people I truly enjoy being around are people who are positive, and full of life. I love people who remind me exactly why life is worth living, and how anything can be exciting and enthusiastic.

As Stefan Sagmeister says,“Complaining is silly. Either act or forget.”

I’m ready to get back. The next few months are going to be a sever ass kicking, I will report my experiences to come. Imagine if you went an entire day making the opposite decisions.

Riding the Bus.

February 21, 2008

Be Somethin'

On the bus, we sit so close, our arms touching. We’re packed sardines moving fast, moving quiet. I can smell you, and feel the temperature of your skin. I can hear your cell phone conversation and the way you talk. I can see the man next to you, old, tired, and wrinkled, carrying a pink plastic bag. We should all talk to each other, you have a nice smile. I want to make real connections, so I put on my headphones and isolate myself with my ipod. As if I’ll ever fucking find something real in a few gigabytes.

Sucker? Free.

February 12, 2008

When I lay in bed, sometimes I think about everyone who has sat in it, every person who has slept in it. I think about the songs it has heard, the conversations it has absorbed, and the souvenirs left behind on it; cigarette ashes, drops of wine and late night food-binges. I think about when I first moved here, and was obsessed with the color brown, and bought that brown sheet, carrying it home on the 38, my first month in San Francisco. And how underneath it all, it resembles a picnic blanket. Sometimes it smells really good and I fly backward, like a time machine.

It’s been a rough year, full of different people old and new. San Francisco, the Big City. The city of missed connections and small ones, real ones and fake ones. Sometimes you wonder if it’s all worth it. Every night, I’m kept awake by the sounds of rushing cars and drunk people on Geary St.

When we want to get away, we charge through the Ocean on man-made bridge, doing man-made things. Scenery makes the moments significant, a photograph immortalizes and captures something sacred. It’s never perceived exactly the same among people. We are never perceived the same among people.

And when you look out, you take a deep breath and think, “I made choices to be here, at this exact moment.

Existence isn’t defined by where you are or who you’re with, but the choices you make to be present. We all have ideas of who and where we want to be, but the beautiful struggle is retained in the process of getting there. To be addicted to the process, is to find beauty in life.

Take chances, and whatever you do, don’t be bored. This is the most exciting time we could ever hope to be alive. At the end of the night, taking the train, you ask yourself again, “Is it all worth it?”

I used to be afraid to be myself, to show vulnerability in the warmth of human beings. But I’m not afraid anymore, we should never apologize for who we are. With that said… Yes. It is worth it.

It’s always worth it.

Another Day

February 11, 2008

misfitsjp.jpg

 

I’m beginning to feel restless. There’s so much more to see, to feel, to talk about. I want to grow, I want you to come with me.

The Decapitator

January 4, 2008

At my work, we often send each other interesting creative/artistic links that we find on the internet. My co-worker sent me a link to this flickr today, The Decapitator. It’s a genius form of street art, and I had to share it.

I’ll Never Forget.

January 1, 2008

(Above by Luke Palascak.)

On New Years, we all make heartfelt resolutions at midnight. Most of us break them by February. The enchanting quality of New Years is that we finally have an opportunity to stop procrastinating. The calendar generously gives us this illusion of a fresh slate, a blank canvas, and we’ll start over- creating what we never got to create before, making our lives what we’ve always wanted them to be. Despite it being just another day of the year, we’re all part of a club tonight. We’re all finally on the same level despite our differences, anxious, and full of hopeful desires– and our desires to cast out our flaws, and fight against our insecurities will be filled will ferocity and determination tonight, wishfully resonating through out the rest of the year.

And tonight, as we sing our songs, pour our drinks, and laugh together, we will do so knowing that we exist perfectly as part of something much bigger. We’ll know that we all have something in common– the desire to change and move to greater things than the year before. We’ll reflect the giant trials that we managed to survive, and feel everything… the sorrow, the misery, the laughter, and most of all, the love that we had, have, or are still trying to search for, flash light in hand, searching the corners of our minds. This love, is a much deeper one, a love that we are searching within ourselves and not only other people. Do you love yourself this year? The hopes and the friendships we feel are always worth fighting for.

What a fucking ride 2007 was. It felt like the perfect storm. As we get older, our problems become more complex, but it feels like we become more equipped to handle them. Some things are exactly the same, but I digress, this is still very much an exciting time to be alive.

So here’s to San Francisco, The Raddie couch, and Gordos. Here’s to the state girls and the state boys. Here’s to the OWL, $1.50 rides and Late Night Specials. Here’s to the Fucking Buckaroos, thug mugs, and being allergic to cats. Here’s to rolling deep and taking off, half-naked dances to Broken Social Scene, to Swimmers, and Ice Cream– the cold, night wind hitting our bodies in the back of Alex’s car. Here’s to 28th and Geary and 10th and Geary, Jack In The Box, Cafe Mono, mixed CDs and coffee shop dance parties. Here’s to 24 hour super markets, Baker Beach, Top Ramen, and shitty jobs. Here’s to Nell, Tutti Frutti, tears, smiles, heart break and confusion. Here’s to the Lucky Penny, Power Hour, and the comfy blankets, with close friends sleeping on wooden floors. Here’s to the park, the weekend adventures with my boys, the BART and Muni, getting into trouble and making it out. Mortal Kombat, Whiskey, Camel Lights, making great new friends I never had before, who I will always consider first. New rooms, home-made music videos, Taco Tuesday, and Mad Dog. Walking home, chemistry, mistakes. 6 Hour drives, This American Life, Monterey, rekindling, and rebreaking, Nappa, New York, the Oakland Airport and Cinder Block. The Geary Gang, the Sunset Skirts, and shitty parties. New Records, old records, and more whiskey.

I’m not sure if I’m getting wiser or just older. I don’t know if I’m more open to love, or more willing to settle. I don’t always know exactly what I am chasing, or how long I will be on the run. But I do know, that every person in my life is worth knowing, worth taking a chance for. I’ve made my mistakes, and I’ve hurt innocent people. I’ve been the products of mistakes and been hurt. We all have, but we’re all still here, and I am thankful for you, and you, and you. My friends, my family, and the ones I have yet to meet, thank you.

Take everything you can, hold nothing back. If you have someone close, hold them closer. Who knows what will happen next year.

This year’s resolutions (2008)

  • Quit smoking.
  • Sign up for for a gym… and go regularly.
  • Swear less.
  • Never lie… Ever.
  • Accomplish unfinished artistic goals.
  • Work on being able to talk to anyone, anywhere, about anything.