Dots

December 31, 2009

The honored tradition of articulating an entire year passed is one that seems important, and urgent for a lot of us. Maybe the reason is because we’re most often in some kind of auto-pilot mode, sleep walking through the routine of our lives. It’s only on certain occasions throughout a year that we’re forced to really jump into a hot/cold pool of reflection and self-awareness. While writing this sentence, I’m forced to think of the occasions that make us reflect and open ourselves to every feeling that has weathered our hands and eyelids: When falling in love starts falling out of love, when guilt manifests itself as bowling balls in our stomachs, when expectations are laid on you like blankets, when coincidental incidents fuck with our heads in moments of desperation, when we’re hundreds and thousands of miles away… and holidays like the one today– New Years Eve.

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Tasty Curry

July 26, 2009

We made some tikka masala a little while ago, my sister had brought some spices back from London. We bought the necessary ingredients, went to the local Indian grocery store, and it turned out pretty well.

March 9, 2009

RIP Felicidad Leviste

44

October 3, 2008

My biggest worry is that you don’t believe me. I guess with my track record, and the mistakes I’ve made, it’s probably smarter not to believe me. But if I can’t quantify change and trust with words, and my actions, from a bird’s eye view, seem inconsiderate and rude, I have no excuse. Just know, that it’s not at all what you are probably thinking, and there are several times I think of calling you to explain it all. But it’s nothing you haven’t heard before… and in this game of space, phone calls are prohibited.

This kind of train wreck has no winner, and there isn’t anyone celebrating. I’ll never forget every little detail about you, and the amazing things you have done for me.  But no matter how often I fantasize of having you in my life as someone greater than just a memory, I know the probability is too slim to give any kind of hope for a friendship.

Crushed Veneer

September 18, 2008

I can only hope that the choices I make are the right ones. I’m not too sure.

Contradiction?

September 4, 2008

Painful realizations come when looking at life logically. Performing under complete emotional influence is the way to blissful, often irresponsible choices and results. I’m an escape artist, a renowned justifier of everything I do, an escapist at times, a giver of advice I can’t always follow. These are a few of my faults, and not nearly all of them. At the same time, I understand these faults make me who I am, and there is no such thing as failures, but learning experiences. However, how much do we need to learn in order to feel fulfilled and wise enough to change those aspects of our life that bring us problems?

Why is it that epiphanies, massive realizations, and actual change only materializes after traumatic, or life-changing experiences? Why is it that so many of us feel like we don’t have the power to do anything until we hit the very bottom of the well? Maybe it’s that strength and motivation only comes under imposed and understood time-limits, urgency strikes hot when there is a reason to be urgent, but these time limits seem invisible when you’re twenty something, and the distractions are plentiful and penetrating.

I tend to have my preferred source of distraction, which is relishing in the tiny dynamics of every day life, keeping everything heavy to feel anchored and humorous, to see all the angles but never playing any of them. If the past has served any record, I have searched for validation in all the wrong places. I tell myself not to complain, but I justify by saying I’m not complaining, but observing, and understanding… but the lines are blurred when you want to reach out with words on an online publication about your life.

You want to spit? You want to have intellectual intercourse? We can talk about the paradox of media saturated expectations from all those romantic books and movies you’ve watched. We can talk about where approach anxiety comes with strangers, and the amplification of emotional fear when talking to someone new of the opposite sex. We can talk about the stages of attraction and the problems that most people never overcome. What about love? Love versus neediness, and how in our society, we’ve seemed to reach the ever elusive conclusion that maybe neediness is the same thing as love, and how it’s a recipe for disaster. Change versus replacement, and vice versa. How about authentic decisions? How can we be authentic at all when we are completely hit over the head with social proof and culture. Faking it until we make it. Make it so we don’t have to make it.

There’s a cycle here, and it’s exhausting. There’s a cycle here and it’s stifling.

…..

September 1, 2008

“It’s a luscious mix of words and tricks that let us bet, when you know we should fold.”